12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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