I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
