My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
