ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
