Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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