in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
