the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
