You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
