You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
