I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
