I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
