if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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