I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Two words: nipple clamps
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