Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There's always time for handjobs
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
