Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
