Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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