I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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