Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
