I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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