I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
