Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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