the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
