You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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