Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
