I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
