I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
