He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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