Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
nutella sex= disaster
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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