So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
