I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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