How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize