Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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