she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Randomize
