dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
