hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
