i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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