after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
