I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
