do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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