just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
