Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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