Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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