My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
