My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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