You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
