Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
