I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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