I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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