it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize