babies were throwing up all over the place
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
