the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
