somebody snuck up and got me drunk
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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