Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
we're so committed to being not committed
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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