god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm drive I can fine osifer
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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