nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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