A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
