every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Randomize
