It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
